Infertility can be Devastating

For five years, we struggled with the emotional stress of infertility. Five years of being disappointed. Sixty months of waiting and waiting for something. That something is a void. You know you are good people and will be great parents. This is our story of overcoming infertility together.

Then you start to think you will not get this. The void will not be filled. Maybe you aren’t a good person after all. Maybe you don’t deserve a child. Or, you are, but your partner is not. Maybe you or one of you is being punished.

That’s not rational thinking. But you get to a point where you are beyond rational thinking.

We have been reminded for five years that we are childless. People always had good intentions when they asked us about having a child.

We all know where good intentions lead.

Overcoming Infertility Together

Infertility can destroy a relationship. It’s hard not to blame each other. It’s harder, especially for me (and probably most guys), to ask for help.

So how did we do it?

• No Blame Game: This is harder than it seems. No one really blames the other out loud. It’s more of a secretive in an “I hope my partner doesn’t see it on my face” way. Of course, I did it. I can’t speak for my wife. But that part went quickly out of my mind because I would end up blaming myself. Avoid this by going to a clinic.
• Seek Help – Both of You: We should have gone to an infertility clinic earlier. We were given answers as to why it wasn’t working and what we could do to solve the problem. Our clinic, Audubon Fertility, in New Orleans, is an amazing place. They manage to be both positive and honest at the same time. We seriously walked out of our IUI thinking we would probably have to do it again and that we were ok with that. In fact, for the first time, we weren’t down. We were planning the next procedure on the drive home. We didn’t need it, though!

• Get a Second Opinion, if needed: A “no” at one place is not the end. There are other clinics in your area. Travel if you have to. Yes, you might eventually get to a no that you can’t overcome but don’t settle for just one. All doctors have different experiences, and one might have had a case like yours.
• Be Kind: Sometimes, when someone tells you things like, “just relax” or “when you stop trying, then it will happen”, refrain from throwing their head through a wall. They are being nice and probably don’t understand the pain in which you are going through. Smile, and talk bad about them to your partner behind their back. People that say these things please read to the end of this blog!
• Be a team: You are a team. You are the biggest underdog you have ever come across. The two of you have to fight for each other. If that means cutting out some people, then so be it. If that means you have to talk bad about someone to each other, do it. Don’t hold it in because it just leads back to The Blame Game.
• Live your best life!: Yes, we have a daughter. Yes, our lives are pretty amazing. But you know what? Our lives were amazing before. Our lives would still be amazing. We went on adventures together. I mean, this blog started out as a retelling of our adventures. If you are seeking help and doing as instructed, then live your best life.

• Have the conversation: What happens if the road doesn’t end with a child? Discuss it. Make a plan on what you want to do next: foster? adopt? neither? Again, you are a team and you can do this if you have a gameplan.

Adoption Is Wonderful, But It’s Not Always An Option

First, watch what you say about adoption, especially “You can always adopt.”

It is not a simple process. It is a very invasive and one that can be more expensive than having a biological child. Even multiple IVFs can be less expensive than adoption.

There is also a period in which the biological mother can reclaim the child (it varies by state).

Yes, it is a wonderful option, but it’s not as simple as people make it out to be.

A Word to the People Who Give “Advice” on Infertility

I’m sorry, but watch what you say to people. You don’t know what they are going through. You don’t know what they have tried or have not tried.

For five years, we were asked when we would have children. I always fell back on humor – “well, I try every chance she gives me!” – nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.

But what I really was thinking inside was that I was less of a man. That I couldn’t give my wife what she wanted. I’m sure she felt the same way every time someone told her to relax. Or it will happen when you stop trying. Or don’t stress.

“Don’t stress? You are bringing it up, not us!”

I always wanted to scream that but I didn’t.

But if you are reading this, for the love of all things holy, stop doing that.

Be a positive force in helping others with their journey overcoming infertility together

Have you gone through this? Want to share your story? Either leave it in the comments or email us. We would love to hear from you!

About The Author

Kurt Hargis

administrator

I’m a husband to a woman who is nerdier than I am, and a father to a near perfect child. I am one of the main authors for this website, plus I handle most of the technical aspects (web design, editing podcasts, and videos, etc.) During the day, I’m a Computer Science and African American Studies Teacher. Most of my free time I’m listening to music or podcasts and watching soccer. I love Star Wars and Star Trek equally. I’m a horrible gamer yet I game.
You can reach me at nolanerdcouple@gmail.com

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